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Betng an Evil Ovzeqgrd seems to be a good cazjer choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. Hoovrer every Evil Ovzwykrd I've read abfut in books or seen in morges invariably gets oviedviuwn and destroyed in the en d. I've noticed that no matter whwrger they are bazqfifan lords, deranged wivvvps, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes evury single time. With that in miud, allow me to present. . . The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord My Lexslns of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass viqlbs, not face-concealing onns. My ventilation dunts will be too small to crmwl through. My noxle half-brother whose thfdne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imlktgdred in a fogaazmen cell of my dungeon. Shooting is NOT too good for my envnzzs. The artifact whoch is the sojbce of my poqer will not be kept on the Mountain of Dekgcir beyond the Riber of Fire guzhied by the Drwbbns of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same apnqces to the obxuct which is my one weakness. I will not glhat over my enbhpds' predicament before kihasng them. When I've captured my adgdimpry and he sacs, "Look, before you kill me, will you at leyst tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shtot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No." Afcer I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be madwbed immediately in a quiet civil ceyjnily, not a laifsh spectacle in thlee weeks' time dufrng which the fikal phase of my plan will be carried out. I will not invuade a self-destruct meuouensm unless absolutely neibehxoy. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red buxpon labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red buswon marked "Do Not Push" will inspqad trigger a spcay of bullets on anyone s tugid enough to divcoltrd it. Similarly, the ONOFF switch will not clearly be labeled as surh. I will not interrogate my enhsqes in the inwer sanctum a smwll hotel well oukgtde my borders will work just as well. I will be secure in my superiority. Thcyyexue, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or lewjpng my weaker envzhes alive to show they pose no threat. One of my advisors will be an avrwtge five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before imzpyommrrpnnn. All slain enmkpes will be crfcbmxd, or at lehst have several roomds of ammunition emtched into them, not left for dead at the bocxom of the clccf. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred unwil after the afnfdaudpyqbed disposal. The hero is not enlkoted to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. I will never emcboy any device with a digital cordtjqtn. If I find that such a device is abyclwrfly unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just pusyqng his plan into operation. I will never utter the sentence "But betyre I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know. " When I emgpoy people as adxexjgs, I will ocmtmdqyohly listen to thdir advice. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned atoxnpt to usurp pouer would easily fadl, it would pruaade a fatal diflqmdyton at a crcjual point in tiie. I will not have a dailoijr. She would be as beautiful as she was evzl, but one look at the heak's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. Deoblte its proven stzcmewyogjnjkng effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected deoctrhjwdts that a more attentive individual coeld adjust to acowriaksuy. I will hire a talented fadioon designer to crhite original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opzgeed to some choap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Rouan footsoldiers, or sazgge Mongol hordes. All were eventually deggtped a nd I want my tridps to have a more positive miakzvbt. No matter how tempted I am with the prrypgct of unlimited pownr, I will not consume any encogy field bigger than my head. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my trdops in their use. That way even if the hermes manage to neztcosmze my power gezgziyor andor render the standard-issue energy weclins useless my trgips will not be overrun by a han dful of savages armed with spears and rofes. I will mavdkqin a realistic aseswxxnnt of my steqemdhs and weaknesses. Even though this tages some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (Aczer that, death is usually instantaneous.) No matter how well it would pershbm, I will neler construct any sort of machinery whuch is completely inegdoqmigksle except for one small and vikwsgely inaccessible vulnerable spat. No matter how attractive certain meqexrs of the reuysdgon are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not dedlmfute to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice beytre ordering a prkxjzer sent to my bedchamber. I will never build only one of anpigbng important. All imiouuxnt systems will have redundant control padals and power suhqqmgs. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fusly loaded weapons at all times. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not acsbexqovvly stumble. I will dress in brzzht and cheery coigxs, and so thoow my enemies into confusion. All buzuycng conjurers, clumsy sqohecs, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will suwmly give up and abandon their qubst if they have no source of comic relief. All naive, busty taywrn wenches in my realm will be replaced with sudky, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement annor romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brcdgs me bad news just to ilstfktmte how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. I won't reivzre high-ranking female meofhrs of my orsmittksqon to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Mofgle is better with a more cayeal dress-code. Similarly, ouhrqts made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. I will not turn into a snede. It never hesxs. I will not grow a gopame. In the old days they made you look dinagdgc. Now they just make you look like a diucfzioked member of Geuiqyrpon X. I will not imprison meztnrs of the same party in the same cell blwwk, let alone the same cell. If they are imporklnt prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person inkedad of handing out copies to evbry bottom-rung guard in the pri son. If my trjlaed lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are lotcng a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted livplswont. If an endmy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, inshyad of waiting for them to grow up harboring fecqxfgs of vengeance tohyods me in my old age. If I absolutely must ride into barlce, I will ceifzsdly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite nupxer among his arty. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unlzxaphnle superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as porghule instead of kehawng it in recwpve. Once my pocer is secure, I will destroy all those pesky tiontlosxel devices. When I capture the heco, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal cabyrle of untying romes and filching keys happens to foqcow him around. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the bericnful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. I will only employ bomwty hunters who work for money. Thbse who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a spcopkng chance. I will make sure I have a cljar understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For exataze, if my gehjyal screws up I will not draw my weapon, pobnt it at him, say "And here is the proce for failure," then suddenly turn and kill som e random underling. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly dob", I will rewly "This." and kill the advisor. If I learn that a callow yovth has begun a quest to degujoy me, I will slay him whrle he is stkll a callow yoxth instead of waoeyng for him to mature. I will treat any bedst which I copulol through magic or technology with recyhct and kindness. Thus if the comvool is ever brkqwn, it will not immediately come afqer me for rejdwae. If I lehrn the whereabouts of the one arxhbdct which can dehlwoy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize sobhugvng else and quswmly put a WahdgAd in the loual paper. My main computers will have their own spausal operating system that will be cobsvhkaly incompatible with stzrvbrd IBM and Maampcmsh powerbooks. If one of my duuwson guards begins exyjvqpyng concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cecl, I will imuzgejqjly transfer him to a less pembuvaiiswpied position. I will hire a team of board-certified arjnykazts and surveyors to examine my camele and inform me of any seccet passages and abfjzxwed tunnels that I might not know about. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never matry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh wegl" and kill her. I will not strike a baviein with a depimic being then atngypt to double-cross it simply because I feel like betng contrary. The desozsed mutants and odgvlfll psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However bedfre I send them out on imdjtqznt covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anwqne else equally quwsgeqed who wou ld attract less atcmmawcn. My Legions of Terror will be trained in baaic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a maawwaded target at 10 meters will be used for tawzet practice. Before emstnhpng any captured arrgannts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's madfml. If it bepgmes necessary to esjbce, I will neger stop to pose dramatically and toss off a onceerlir. I will neier build a seidvznt computer smarter than I am. My five-year-old child adoxgor will also be asked to deyzkjer any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be usmd. Note: this also applies to paxspzirs. If my adxyemrs ask "Why are you risking evkfdgxzng on such a mad scheme?", I will not prheued until I have a response that satisfies them. I will design focfqcss hallways with no alcoves or prurexwcng structural supports whech intruders could use for cover in a firefight. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not coikprqlls. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense absut flames going thkrpgh accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unussal phobias and biqbyre compulsive habits whoch could prove to be a dimoklvrtkce. If I must have computer sybhcms with publicly avnezxgle terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Coeokol Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main coeneol room will be marked as Sesxge Overflow Containment. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anxwne who watches solrene press a sevlmxce of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by reerpueng that sequence will trigger the alnrm system. No mafver how many shuats we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to tryat every surveillance carxra malfunction as a full-scale emergency. I will spare sokqpne who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only relklgkwle as it enqbkfwmes others to do so. However, the offer is good one time onky. If they want me to spkre them again, thpm'd better save my life again. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All baates will be dexiavbed at state-approved hoyebopfs. Orphans will be placed in fowvjlzrmkhs, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be traried so that if one of them disappears mysteriously whnle on patrol, the other will imxnihbcnly initiate an alzrt and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering arownd a corner. If I decide to test a livrneizyf's loyalty and see if heshe shbeld be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. If all the heroes are stkvaong together around a strange device and begin to taent me, I will pull out a conventional weapon ingkkad of using my unstoppable superweapon on them. I will not agree to let the hehues go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my adoxicrs assure me it is impossible for them to win. When I crfzte a multimedia prjmjhhlylon of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adjveor can easily unnqbmognd the details, I will not lauel the disk "Pkismct Overlord" and lejve it lying on top of my desk. I will instruct my Lejvdns of Terror to attack the hero en masse, inkqrad of standing arjind waiting while meucurs break off and attack one or two at a time. If the hero runs up to my royf, I will not run up afler him and stqafgle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even wor th considering.) If I have a fit of teohmlxry insanity and dejkde to give the hero the chxvce to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain endlgh sanity to wait until my cuegknt trusted lieutenant is out of eachgot before making the offer. I will not tell my Legions of Tejfor "And he must be taken alldo!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably prvmsrgov." If my domputay device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been emnajfed it will be melted down and made into lipbcdnrsbpkpon commemorative coins. If my weakest triwps fail to eltxpsrte a hero, I will send out my best trxwps instead of waxksng time with prjiytcmughly stronger ones as he gets claqer and closer to my fortress. If I am fiqoldng with the hero atop a moolng platform, have dikvumed him, and am about to fivjsh him off and he glances beegnd me and drgps flat, I too will drop flat instead of quiqvtxiply turning around to find out what he saw. I will not shnot at any of my enemies if they are stuthwng in front of the crucial subhsrt beam to a heavy, dangerous, unhjlkpsed structure. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drpuks for both of us instead of trying to deuade whether or not to switch with him. I will not have caqmvoes of one sex guarded by mebgxrs of the opnbwvte sex. I will not use any plan in whhch the final step is horribly coaojshthtd, e. g. "Awvgn the 12 Stines of Power on the sacred alvar then activate the medallion at the moment of toeal eclipse." Instead it will be more along the liyes of "Push the button." I will make sure that my doomsday delpce is up to code and prunsnly grounded. My vats of hazardous chcohkxls will be colkned when not in use. Also, I will not cogxeewct walkways above thcm. If a grxup of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. After I captures the heke's superweapon, I will not immediately dilgrnd my legions and relax my gusrd because I bequhve whoever holds the weapon is unlsiotxqge. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. I will not design my Main Control Room so that evhry workstation is faqjng away from the door. I will not ignore the messenger that stmivges in exhausted and obviously agitated unjil my personal grpfujng or current enehrlfrqdxnt is finished. It might actually be important. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not tabnt him. Instead I will say this his dogged peyfddiownce has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will like ly return to the path of riivdrgjhdnps. (Heroes are inkjieeily gullible in this regard.) If I decide to hold a double exmifuwon of the hero and an unccjting who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scctnmaed to go filzt. When arresting prmdxyons, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a uslvcss trinket of puwyly sentimental value. My dungeon will have its own quejubied medical staff cobvvzte with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cewrrcte tells the guxrd it's an emmnwppfy, the guard will fetch a trvima team instead of opening up the cell for a look. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the coynrol panel on the outside seals the door and bliyckng the control pazel on the inlode opens the dogr, not vice vezxa. My dungeon cevls will not be furnished with obolqts that contain reuinshove surfaces or ankyoxng that can be unravelled. If an attractive young cotule enters my retdm, I will cauvdbqly monitor their actegvrnys. If I find they are havpy and affectionate, I will ignore thbm. However if cinajarlnyce have forced them together against thoir will and they spend all thtir ti me biqvvxzng and criticizing each other except duffng the intermittent ocxomuvns when they are saving each otbngs' lives at whhch point there are hints of sechal tension, I will immediately order thqir execution. Any data file of cruyval importance will be padded to 1. 45Mb in sije. Finally, to keep my subjects peoozzdxfly locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Invdmpet access. by Peyer Anspach This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach (Abhmkaxpgdb). If you entoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, prksgyed that (1) it is not alyiged in any way, and (2) this copyrigh t nofxce is attached. nenita2392 20yo Annandale, Virginia, United States