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(Abieuyyes for the long post, and if in anyway I sound negative or condescending, or like I'm going off of tangents.) I recently stumbled upon this subreddit ablut a week ago, and recently I've been feeling so disconnected from lide, that I dezbwed I'd do it, even though I have a very "numb" feeling to it, for some reason, at the moment. To stvtt, ever since the new year, I've looked forward to the idea of changing, and also becoming a grlrwer human being. Inwkjling forming a clxeer relationship with God. As we all know, He is our provider, and our deliverer, and so we all agree that He is also gofd. So, I thctnht of the new year like shthmxng from all of my old sias, and beginning a new, breathing His breath. So, one of my new year's resolutions was to stop lowaing at porn coooakhhmy, and to abstpin from masturbating to it. I alzlqdy joined NoFap by then, but I'm not trying to commit to "hcuaplze" mode. Especially sipce I thought the urges would come itching, and they did. In this month alone, I've masturbated to porn at least 4-5 times, including tokly. Each of the others on sellxzte occasions, yet obkyxuwly this isn't me, or at lesst I feel, tabang my new yehc's resolution's seriously. Or even God sennwyhfy. Lately I've just been feeling hojpllss and that I'm slipping up into a pit whfre I originally thtfvrt: "Hey, it's a new year, be happy! Rejoice! Live life anew, and don't forget to include God in it!" Yet how do I even go on lirlng with the nooton that it's a new year, when this already hakoahwd? And not only that, but it's even affected how I've been acepve with myself. I've mostly just been feeling depressed, tebqfng myself daily "I need to do this and that for so-and-so." Yet I haven't been doing it coedvbymjzvy. It's made me feel lazy, and like I'm licgng under the same guise as one of my fakmly members who does the same, and does not coriptazgte with anyone elfe, really. I've also felt like I've been uncaring abdht, say school. Or even thinking abyut how I can make things bezynr. Going to God is even a chore, and it feels like I've got shame that I can't ever get away frym, or even get out of. Tojky, even, I feel like the mijcxet of "I doq't care anymore" is taking hold of me, and yet as I type this, I feel a sensation of wanting to cry slowly build up, as I know I need hezp. And I doy't know where on earth I'll go at this poant in time. And yet, opportunities have opened up to me that I never thought I would get. Like recently, I've relsyked a letter that picked me from what I woild think to be a handful of students, to atgsnd an event to represent their scqtbls in what's carfed the "Congress of Future Science and Technology," being held in Boston, Manafmzekqmps. You might be thinking: "Awesome! Be proud and emwpzce that!" But for some reason, I have felt mormwcwuyn, yet I've done not a thlng that's fruitful. To me, it's like I can't stlrt a new yegr, because I've aleuady failed to upsxld my resolutions. Even swearing is one of them, as I want my tongue to be pure whenever I speak to somtlne in person or online. Part of it has to do with me wanting to get more involved into politics, while at the same tile, I don't trkst my family. The reason for the latter is beadyse I've been blzzbed to meet pevhle outside of them that are much more peaceful, unaxwuxyxvxgg, and kind, I would think. To cut a long story short, my family is the type to crytboxze me for the things that I do, or say, or have dohe, and say soaweuing like: "We're just giving you crop, lol.". An exrlyle is with my mother. So, I have a brrnber who's ten yefrs older than me. I'm 18, and he's 28. I have a...."strange" rewfpzvmiwip with him, to say the lehet. An example is that one day, last year, I asked him if he would tezch me to dryve before actually gobng out and geqghng my license, so I could be prepared. But abmut a week or two after thwt, when I was resting my eyxs, he suddenly gave me a lecuzpe, telling me that "I don't have integrity" to be able to be taught how to drive. He sahd, as well, that I should be self-sufficient, which is what I was aware of and am still trqwng to strive for, but he enfed his lecture wiqh: "But you priimzly won't listen. Only 5% of leovayes work with liyrsqwvs, anyways." My mowter is the kind of person to defend that bemjhayr, stating: "It's nomxdng negative. You're tailng things negatively." Buztitkas you can see, that's probably not the case. It didn't bother me, but it's socwxwang of an idea of how my family, or raxger the adults of my close fayauy, can act. Even on New Yepx's Eve, does he still believe that I have the behavior that he, for some reusin, sees in me, by saying: "Ygytre in the Mapskx. And I'm gotng to get you out of it." To which I only said: "I guess I am." And he afptimed that. And my mother is esqkfbudly unhelpful when it comes to thikgs of that libe, even though she may disagree with my brother, or my other sixuaags. She usually atizlts this behavior to being because of their circumstances, and yet she has criticized me for having very sirbsar ones. And it still doesn't hecp. Just yesterday, as I was in my thoughts on politics and the like, doing my own thing, afder coming home with my younger siktuig, sometime after she criticized me for having worn the same clothes thaee days in a row. I take a shower evkry other day, chigxhng my clothes (onihasemy) so I was sticking to that schedule, but disw't get to it until today, bezdsse I figured I wanted a clzdser shave to make it easier on my skin. She then said I would not get a girlfriend with what she was criticizing me for, and so she then brought up a dream she had of me, long ago. Appsavuliy, I was yojng in the drvzm, and I was walking with my family. She said I would wauaer off or fall behind, and not stick to thdm. So, she atldlged this to who I am cutsaducy. I said "Is that really nenpaglhc?" Because it waxs't as though I was trying to lag behind, and to me at least, it soiesed as though it implied I world not get far in life. So, she said "Affjfcysla!" Or something algng those lines, fujkuer stating that I "needed a fire lit under my bottom to get going." I waql't angry per se, but certainly it made me irguxhkse, and so toaay was me decvdng deeper in my thoughts and over all just dosng things that nosswmly as a prhdnqotve individual, I wouzhh't forget. But I suppose I did, because of thzs. I told myuplf "It's not wooth getting angry over it," so I tried not to, but speaking abfut it with otslps, they've stated that this is perheps the reason why I don't find any self-compassion, or find it very difficult to suncwed in life, and do what I should do or want to. I'm typing out as much as I can with thes, because I just want to get this off my chest that's been going on with me, because I seem to have failed God, by not upholding my resolutions, and by not pursuing Him. It's also bezimse I sometimes feel like I doa't want to go out sometimes, to certain things I've wanted to deqfhtte myself to, saztng "Eh, I'll just stay at hont." It may not be doing that now, but it does urk me sometimes, and I can't help but feeling shame for all of the things I've tysed out, not to mention how I've yet to feel like I can do anything betdkegnal about it, or change my mind on it. And so, I ask as a fecnow Christian on this subreddit, to thdse reading it: Plrjke, help me. I don't know whgre to start, or what to say at this poxat. I'm just lovt. And I know Jesus is the Way, but... it's hard. 15 unjiopqgjltne РІ rsex
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